England 1, Voles 0

Yes, despite the best efforts of their Ecuadorian puppet squad, the evil Volish empire was handed a convincing defeat courtesy of the miraculous free-kickery of Spice Girl impregnator and sometime international football star David Beckham. After his gorgeous set-piece strike beat the Ecuadorian goalkeeper in the 60th minute, Beckham celebrated by vomiting on the field.

Slanderous reports have attributed this triumphant spew to dehydration but their hack authors are obviously ignorant of history. Beckham was clearly reprising Henry V’s famous victory retch at the Battle of Agincourt, where good King Hal showed the cowardly French what British soldiers – and army rations – are made of.

Attention must also be paid to the marvelous efforts of England striker phenom and wunderkind Wayne Rooney. Like the savage little British bulldog he so closely resembles, Rooney was relentless in attack, humiliating Ecuador’s hapless defenders with astonishing runs and cheeky flick passes through their legs. Rooney…

…who has apparently made a Faustian pact to acquire superior footballing skills in exchange for his neck, is a mere twenty years old and made his English Premier League debut at only 16 years of age. He was previously voted FIFA embryo-of-the-month three times in a row.

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One Comment on “England 1, Voles 0”


  1. All of your enemies cannot be categorized as voles. They are too diverse.


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