Weighty Matters

The king and absolute ruler of the smattering of titchy islands that make up the tiny nation of Tonga, Taufa’ahau Tupou IV – once listed by the Guinness Book of Records as the world’s most massive monarch at 462 pounds – lies on his (presumably sagging) death bed in a New Zealand hospital. Tonga’s citizens, who are required to crawl on hands and knees before their Jabba-like sovereign, are preparing for the 88-year old’s demise with the same trepidation as they would “if the Sun should fall.”

The heir to the throne of this gun-running and court-jester be-bilked country of impoverished fishermen and women is a charming, Oxford-educated (natch) fellow named Tupouto, who controls Tonga’s national beer company, its cellular phone company, its electricity company, and its cable television company, and once referred to his subjects as “squatters who would urinate in elevators” (not sure if he controls the elevator company).

Crown Prince Tupouto feasts on caviar and champagne, scrubbing up with water from his gold taps as he awaits his ascension to the apex of a feudal system that provides him absolute power and his people the opportunity to grovel. Strangely enough, Tongans are a mite miffed, with 10,000 of them streaming onto the streets last year to demand democracy, not to mention a reduction in the rate of bowing and scraping. Small-d supports the good people of Tonga in their struggle and wishes them well.

Explore posts in the same categories: Democracy Promotion

One Comment on “Weighty Matters”

  1. Mike Harrison Says:

    Why you gotta hate on the fat guy?
    I mean, if the man’s a tyrant, blast him for that, but leave his weight problem (I hear it’s glandular) out of it!

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: