Archive for May 2007

Porcine Pickle

May 30, 2007

Turns out the Chinese have a strategic pork reserve salted away for a rainy, pig-poor day. As I can now attest from personal experience, the Chinese put pork in everything. Even the tickets I got to see the Terracotta Army smelt suspiciously like rashers of bacon. Now it seems they’ve gone one too many times to the trough like greedy, little … well, you get the idea. Fears are mounting that an apigalyptic doomsday is not far off. All this, ironically enough, taking place in the Chinese Year of the Pig (see above).

The good news for all those who fear imminent domination by the Chinese juggernaut is that we have now clearly located their Achilles’ trotter: if China gets too big for its britches, simply bomb the strategic pork reserve and squeal with delight as Hu Jintao surrenders to our will.

Rorex? Louis Vuitton?

May 29, 2007

I wish to extend small-d’s most sincere apologies to our legions of readers. While my partner in thought crime has been doing yeoman’s work getting drunk with brilliant, serially-offensive British journalists, I have been visiting our future imperial overlords in the great nation of China and so have wilfully neglected this humble blog. I therefore submit to you, gentle reader, a bashful “Rorex? Louis Vuitton?” which, judging by one’s experience when strolling down the merry streets of Beijing and Shanghai, is the standard form of Chinese greeting.

I must confess that a fortnight on holiday in the land of the dragon and massive internet censorship has left me a little perplexed as to what’s going on in the world. In their infinite wisdom, the duly appointed leaders of the People’s Republic of China mandate that a certain percentage of media coverage be “good news.” Candy-floss puppy dogs and such. Unfortunately, it appears the stodgy open society here in the US has not yet adopted this handy little check on the free flow of information. To wit, a cursory glance at the papers reveals Palestinians still killing each other, Iraqis still killing each other, and Republican presidential hopefuls denying evolution (survival of the thickest). It’s all terribly depressing.

But have no fear, I promise to bone up on all that’s basically irrelevant to your day-to-day life and get back to you forthwith to inform you what you should think about it. No need to thank me. It’s my pleasure.

(Pictured above: your overseers-to-be)